A Glimpse of Hope

The soul that is given over to the will of God fears nothing, neither thunder nor thieves nor any other thing. Whatever may come, 'Such is God's pleasure,' she says. If she falls sick she thinks, 'This means that I need sickness, or God would not have sent it.'

It’s hard to think.

I’ve been sick since Saturday. What started as a sore throat culminated in a violent head cold.

I woke up today and thought it was finally over, and then proceeded to cough up green for an hour. To the sink, to the bed. Sink bed sink bed.

My right nostril doesn’t appear to be working. There’s a sharp pain over my right eyeball. I haven’t slept in a few days.

I am tired.

These are all thoughts that appear to me as I lie awake in bed hoping for one more hour of sleep.

Every time I breathe, I can feel the scratchiness of another green monster in my lungs or the back of my throat. This scratchiness will not allow me to sleep because I have the lingering fear of another coughing fit.

I’m being dramatic but I hope to convey to you that this is miserable.

And yet, I can feel a bit of peace inside of me.

Maybe it’s the heart, not quite sure.

Since I walked back into a Church, I’ve been able to rest my spirit in a small piece of solitude despite everything that is happening with body or my surroundings.

I usually can’t hold the sensation for long but even just a few seconds refreshes my spirit. It usually happens during prayer - though not every day. In fact, not even every week. But the overwhelming sense of, ‘it’s all going to be fine,’ that it gives you drives me back every day.

Sounds corny but I’m almost brought tears thinking about it.

Something comes over you and the words just stop. You stop speaking. You find yourself staring at an Icon of Christ. No thoughts. Just a bit of warmth, I think. Or peace.

I usually become hyperaware of my body. I can feel it rocking slightly. I can feel my heartbeat and I notice my breathing. And yet, I’m not aware at all.

I’m just standing there with God.

When it washes over me, however long it takes, I’ll return to reciting the prayers, hoping it might happen again. But I don’t focus on it.

Today, lying in bed, right after a coughing fit, I started saying the Jesus Prayer because I wasn’t sure if I’d make it to the Icon Corner today. Almost immediately, I got a few seconds of peace.

I couldn’t have cared less that I was sick. There was no wishing for anything to change. The coughing and spitting cleared my mind of most thoughts leaving only the thought of hoping to get better.

And the Jesus Prayer removed that thought and put my mind on God.

At least for a few seconds.